Letter from Oksana
“Dear Dyan,
I am 35 years old, and have a son of 16. My husband has died very suddenly 2 months ago. My son, was very attached to my husband, and much more connected with him, then with me. It is difficult for both of us now, but I accept it as it is. My son has closed up completely, and I do not know, how to communicate with him anymore. He would talk to me about his feelings, and he refuses to do anything. He refuses to go to school, refuses to help in the house, just playing computer games whole day…..Could you please advise me, on how to deal with this, and how can I help my son?
My other problem is my mom…
Since my husband has died, she took a role of my protector into her hands,without me asking her to do so, and she is poking her nose into everything and all what I do. And I do not know how to cope with that either….
Thank you very much for your advises.
Regards, Oksana.”
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Dear Oksana:
I am so sorry to hear of the sudden loss of your husband. The unexpectedness of such an event can be very disorienting for those left behind. Grieving is a process and you will need time to heal, so be kind to yourself and allow yourself that time. Your son and you must now use this event to come together and you must reach out to him emotionally, even in your own pain and even if he repeatedly shuts you out. Keep reaching out for him. He needs you to set an example. He needs you to be in charge. You say that he refuses to do anything, but Oksana, you are the parent. You must be willing to step fully into that role. You must set boundaries and rules. He needs that structure right now. To help him you must do this, and not let him wallow aimlessly in his grief. He is using computer games as an escape, when truly you must both face and deal with your grief. Try to understand that you are allowing him to do this and when you stop allowing him to do this you will both be able to move forward. You must clearly communicate to him that there are consequences to not going to school, and consequences for not helping around then house. These are not punishment, but rather, consequences. Make these consequences clear to him. Also, it would be helpful to plan an activity to do together that gets you both out of the house. In the short term, what you need to try to accomplish is a breaking of the pattern that your son has slid into here. And try to help him face his emotions rather than push them away. For example, do you have any photographs of your son and his father together? Get them out and if he’s good with the computer, perhaps he can scan them in and make a slideshow or movie from them. This is easy, creative, and forward moving energy. As for your mother poking her nose into all that you do, please try to see the reflection there. She is as concerned about you as you are about your son. Your son may feel that you are poking your nose into all that he is doing as well. It’s a reflection. I suspect she will stop doing that when she feels you are safely and firmly on your path. Show her that you are.
